lantern.blossom

The Wall of Glass

2011-10-03T02:27:00.000-07:00

I’ve lived life for 2 decades now. There have been numerous ups and downs through out the journey. The way I react to the same situation now and when I was a carefree little kid seem like two different worlds completely. As a teen ager, I wished I had the right to make mistakes and learn from them on my own. I had defined this right as a luxury in my blog. Young and carefree that those years were, with of course, my new sense of freedom; I’d thought I do not owe an exlanation for any of my actions to anyone. It is my life after all! This luxury of freedom however has its way of teaching us so much, we’d be reluctant to learn otherwise. Of course it is our life and its our right to live it the way we want and it is a feature of humans to make mistakes. But when we live in a society, no matter what we do or how independent we think we are, we do realise over a period of time that everything we do does affect the people around us; in good ways and bad. What I think I’ve left behind might not be as far as I think I’ve left it. I have hurt others and have gotten hurt and can say with certainity that neither of the two are easy.
Today, when a I’m standing at crossroads, I cannot help but wonder; what is a better option after all? To have said or not to have said? I do not think I owe an explanation to anybody but yes, the people who matter, do deserve to know the truth about me. Even if it means I end up hurt and the consequences aren’t favorable to me. Living with the acknowledgement of the fact that we are not perfect and have made mistakes in the past and letting those who matter know about it is a better option than acting like a saint and living with the constant fear of being exposed, of guilt of hiding the truth and worst, the guilt of having made the mistake ages ago. I believe (with a fair degree of personal experience) that we are free of bad karma only when we accept it and learn not to repeat it with any one ever again. ( I’ve read it somewhere too) It takes courage to speak the truth. But the consequences, though will not be cakewalk in the starting, can turn out to make me a stronger person who can look at others in the eye and can contribute to my sense of integrity. I cannot go back to change what has happened. I would not want to keep living in my past. But what I can do right now is learn from what has happened and not be ashamed. I do not intend to play God or pretend to be God. I’ve made my share of mistakes and I will speak them out if I have to. I have dreams for my future and I have a beautiful present to live in; but before all of this, I need to be secure about who I am and what I do and have done. How can I demand for acceptance when I haven’t accepted myself completely? It is not easy to speak the truth. It is not easy to risk the loss of something that is precious to us by speaking the truth. But what is toughest is to look inside ourselves when we know we are not truthful. I skip a beat every time I think about speaking out but what I do know is that I will speak it out one day. And just this one thought gives me so much solace. For I know, even if it means loss to me, I will earn something way more precious- my pride and self-respect and the ability to look into the eye of people and the loss of fear. All this is worth being earned; even if it means uneasiness in the beginning. I pray for strength from the universe; so that I can finally lift the glass wall that is there between me and the people who mean so much to me; and the glass wall that prevents me from looking within myself with dignity; now and forever.
I hope this article does help some one in lifting that glass wall that a single lie can build. Let us quit pretending to act like God and acknowledge the adversity a lie can cause to our inner self. We do make mistakes but we should know to leave them behind; with dignity.

New Girl in the City

2011-07-23T06:57:00.001-07:00

We often make plans about what needs to be done in life and how we want our life to turn out to be eventually. For controll freaks like me, it can be quite a herculian task to deal with; I mean the consequences of the plan, more than the process of planning. It is all a part of learning though. They say that lifestyle is chosen by the kind of environment we have, the climate, the surroundings, the people and of course our tastes. I had made a list of things I should have in the next city that I would live in and was really excited about it. Of course this new city is beautiful and it did keep the excitement in me alive for a very long time; until I fell sick, along with nearly half of my class; all thanks to the weather of my new city. But then again, I reminded myself of the splendid time I’d had before I fell sick and I fell in love with Delhi all over again. A family friend of mine asked me how I’m liking the place, to which I replied, “I really love it”. And she smiled and asked me that I thought you would be really proud of the place you come from. I told her I am but I like the newness and the sense of independence Delhi has for me to offer. She accepted the answer. Before I came here, I had plans of what my new room would look like, how thick my blanket will be and so many other minor details. Things of course don’t work out as planned to this extent. I’ve learnt to be a better controller of situations by letting things take their own course and making the best of what I have. I somehow cannot compromise with the sense of being in controll. It is a virtue or vice, I do not know. About this sense of independence, I’ve heard that it all began when Rennaisance brought about the revolutionary idea of the ‘freedom of thought’. Contemporary philosophers do argue however, that the psychological implications it has are pretty assorted. My most recent anxiety attack ‘in my new city Dilli’ (I like calling it so, coz it sort of made place in my heart so soon) was because of similar reasons. As much as I admire my sense of independence and freedom, I can’t help but wonder if I am having to compromise with the bonding and kinship that being dependent brings. I’m getting way too philosophical over a minor illness that I had; but then, I certainly will not supress the thoughts it brings into my mind. I certainly do miss being pampered the way I am at home, but can’t the two come together? Confirmity has never been my cup of tea but I am extremely empathetic. I guess striking a balance between the two; confirmity and liberty is something I need to work on to make life better for me. It wont be easy I know. But if that’s what it takes to make me happy, I guess it’s totally worth the efforts. :)

Dear Neetu,

2011-05-20T02:16:00.000-07:00

For wifey,
Its your Bday today :D And how badly I wish we were together! Bdays are an awesome way of expressing that we care; and for the sort of person that you are, I’d want you to know how much I care for you and love you. And how lovable you actually are; don’t let anyone make you feel otherwise; ok.
It’s a miracle how, after two and a half years of being together, we realized how very similar we are. And it’s funny too. The times that we’ve spent together, I will always cherish; even those times where we fought. I smile every time I think of the last sem. It is amazing how you were always there and you’re one person I can discuss anything in the whole wide world with; be it hot guys, crushes, worthless ex’s, clothes and accessories, complaints about each other, mmmmmm (hehe ;)!! ), and whatever.
For all the fun plans that are yet to happen and till the next time we meet, hugs and kisses <3
With looooots of luv

Dear George,

2011-05-20T02:10:00.000-07:00

To an awsum taurean friend,

A very Happy Birthday to you :) I’m sure you’ve got nice Bday bumps last night.

When I look back to the memories of Manipal your picture clearly comes to mind; especially for listening to my philosophy lectures every day at dinner with so much interest (and for telling me that I inspire :D )and for being such an awesome confidant. You’re a gem of a person and I’m really glad to have known someone like you.

Thanx for being there and for putting up with my sometimes annoying ways :) Just wishing you on your wall didn’t seem enough and I wish I were in Manipal today :) Have fun!!! Hopefully with the chocolate sundae you eat in your dreams!

Regards,
Kavya

Adieu Manipal :)

2011-05-14T06:39:00.000-07:00

It took me some time to grasp the fact that my Manipal life is over. However I understood pretty soon that it is time to move on. There’s this Manipal song which has one line in the lyrics which goes like this: “Oh if I had a choice, maybe I’d always wanna be there…” Of course I miss Manipal and everything about it; but perhaps due to my inquisitive nature, I’m more eager and excited about what’s waiting out there in the world for me. And if I were really given a choice to start all over again in Manipal, it wouldn’t be less exciting at all.  But if I were to re-live the last three years I spent in that splendid town, there is one thought pattern of mine I would have changed completely.
I now look back at the thought of me thinking of myself as inferior or lower than anyone else occasionally. It was all so futile. Why did I ever do that? I should not have put up with people who were reckless with my feelings and emotions. In those occasional but recurrent days of me thinking why life is the way it is and why I am sad, all I had to do was go ahead and do those few things that gave me pleasure. Well, I honestly don’t mean that I should have denied any of my feelings; which have been happy and joyous most often. But if there’s one thing I have learnt during my stay at Manipal and also one thing I regret is: looking at all that is missing than what I do possess. There is a period of mourning but if we extend it to more than what it should be, we’re the ones who are at loss.
I thank my gracious creator for having given me such beautiful memories to look back to and for the 3 amazing years. 

The Pursuit

2011-05-14T06:18:00.000-07:00

It is so much easier to observe and form opinions of things that are happening in front of us and we aren’t involved in it. I was thinking after talking to a friend of mine: What exactly is Happiness after all? She’s waiting for a phase to pass so that the next phase begins. Does she think that the next phase is moonwalk? It actually made me wonder about so many aspects of my life and life in general. Like there are two sides of a coin, there are processes in life which take place one after the other. We are so busy looking for eternal bliss and all our life we wait for the next big thing. But how many of us actually pause to ponder: what is our mission in life? What is that one thing that will be the manifestation of happiness to us? Or do we just prefer to keep envying the greener side of the fence and desiring the next big thing like so many out there do?
I have found myself cribbing too often, thinking when this cycle of helplessness will finish. And of course, immediately after a little while, something happens that makes me want to giggle. I guess it’s just a way of looking at it. Disappointments keep happening now and then. But the best part of them is that they pass. When life gives you lemons, you got to make lemonade.

For Grandmom :)

2011-02-25T05:32:00.001-08:00

Dear Amma,
When you talk, the way you put all your love into your words and still make the sentence sound normal and the astounding capacity you have for love, makes me want to worship you. For I know now how much pain is associated with love and your love amma, seems to keep coming on and on seamlessly. And it’s surprising how you don’t seem to expect anything back. I am sure to have earned a lot of good karma to have someone like you in my life; literally. It seems like you pledged your life for all of us and the fact that we are on the receiving end of your love is enough to keep you content, even if it means having zilch expectations of reciprocation from us. In fact it embarrasses you if we want to do something to express our love, which is an overflowing pot too. Perhaps our ways of expressing are too childish for you. I am grateful to you amma, for nurturing us with all the love you have given us without a trace of any expectation of reciprocation from us and for teaching us how to love so openly and so heartily with no fear of the pain that love can bring. And also for passing that capacity to love through the genes I have inherited from you.  I cannot figure out any way of expressing the immense love we all have for you. Perhaps the realisation is in itself a manifestation of my love for you, because usually when love is so much in excess, it goes unnoticed. I have no reason to feel unloved at all because all I have to do is think of you and the love you have boundlessly given and taught all of us and I will never feel unloved. They say love never dies. I think I’m beginning to know now why. Someone who will have received so much love from you will have become a reservoir of love and will know how to pass it on all the time. That’s why, no matter how far I am from you, I know your love will stay with me. 

A winter with my little friends

2010-12-31T02:40:00.001-08:00

It has been such a long time since I’ve sat down to write specifically for my blog. Well, a lot has been happening in life all this while. One is I’ve been interning at this NGO where I had to teach children English apart from studying the management and the organisation structure. I enjoyed every bit of it. There is however a lot I’d like to share on my blog with people. It took me a lot of determination to go there every day. Especially because the area was remote and I had to change 2 buses every day to reach there. And two buses again to get back home. Initially, I enjoyed that too. Especially because Bangalore was a new city to me and I enjoyed exploring it and that too on my own. It made me feel so good and so confident about myself.  Being able to walk on the roads with your head held high is one of the best feelings in the world you know; especially when there’s no one but your own brain to direct you. I totally enjoyed commuting to work every day like that... initially; that is. Later I found it a bit exhausting. I wanted to have my own source of commuting with lesser hard work. And every time I went there, I was welcomed with a stench and a not-so-pleasant sight of debris and litter just in front of the office entrance. I told myself that if the students here were rich enough to afford hygienic surroundings, they would not be here in the first place. And since I pledged to contribute to the country’s upliftment, all this clutter seemed like my own. I kinda felt responsible to wipe it out. Interacting with those children and teaching them was an incredible experience. It made me realise how much power I had in influencing their lives and making a positive impact on them by this little attempt of reaching out. The children had an ineffable innocence about them. They were so happy in that little world of theirs; unaware of the race outside. Unaware of that fierce rat race, they were so ignorant. It taught me the meaning of that old adage, “Ignorance is bliss”. No complexes, no issues. Well, I know one thing for sure; I’ve learnt how to be a kid again with them. They’ve taught me as much as I’ve taught them, if not more. It was one of the most beautiful experiences of my life. I will cherish it for a very long time. 

*?!@#$%^&

2010-10-31T19:23:00.000-07:00

I remember having written in my blog that sometimes we need to pretend to be stronger than we are, if we need to protect ourselves from those who’d want to use weakness to their advantage. And what had happened to me yesterday? I was crying. And that’s not it. I liked it. It felt like my tears were washing off my sins. I could have chosen to stop crying with just one thought. It would have been easy. “Everything happens for a reason”. I would have felt very strong. But I chose to let me shed those tears. It felt weird. It felt less human. I told myself when to cry and when not to. Have I changed so much? Is the pretence turning into a reality? I don’t like it if it is real. I want to be human; who cries at a heart break and who feels like others in response to situations.
Of course everything we feel is unique in its own way. When I was done crying, I closed my eyes and imagined that I rest my head on a shoulder which was my own. I was both of them in my imagination; the person who seeked solace and the person who offered it. I felt the relief of finding a shoulder and also offering one to the person in need. And I felt a re-connection with my creator after all this period of fighting with him and being angry with him. I also decide that I can call my creator The Mother. This is so that I can feel the warmth in her when I pray. It will take some getting used to though.

Of womanhood

2010-10-11T03:41:00.000-07:00

This article is about that time when I was going to China. It was my first trip abroad and I was on my own. It seemed like an adventure trip to me. My first connecting flight was from Hyderabad to Mumbai; Hyderabad being the closest airport city to home. Coincidently, it was also my first flight trip after 12 years; the previous one being with dad when I was 6 years old. I have one photographic memory where I bid farewell to Mom and Dad and walked with my back-pack to the security check-in counter. Both of them kept staring at me in silence. That silence and that distance between us spoke volumes. I kept walking until finally I had to take a left turn at a corner which meant I can’t see Mom and Dad after I take a few steps more. I waved good bye and walked. Then, in the plane there was another moment which will stay with me forever. There was no air-hostess, it was a male (I don’t know what he’s called; probably a flight steward) He was quite good-looking; like one of those guys in college who have quite a few girl admirers. He was giving the directions of what to do if the plane’s about to crash and what to do in other such cases. No one paid attention. I did, out of curiosity and also because it was, in a way, my first flight trip. I was a little scared, a little determined, a little high on adrenaline and also a little nervous. At one point, the guy winked at me. I winced. I was a little annoyed too because I wanted to listen to the instructions but now I couldn’t because he made me so conscious. I looked first at the seat ahead of me and then out of the window. I could see nothing but the wing of the plane. At that point, I had a wave of emotions run through me. I felt so vulnerable and susceptible; like I was heading off to a new world where I was on my own. I felt scared. What if I succumbed to temptation? Let me admit though that I didn’t like the guy. It was my fear and the adrenaline. Plus, I’m used to guys giving signs that they’re attracted and I’m pro at ignoring them innocently. Well, right now the situation seems funny to me and so do the feelings that rose in me then. Our culture is such that we’re made to feel guilty for ‘feeling’ and also for the opposite sex ‘feeling for us’, if we’re female, that is. This article is to all my female friends and readers who might feel guilty if they ‘feel’ or if someone (or some people) feel(s) for them. It is a part of growing and understanding yourself when you cherish and acknowledge how you feel at every point of time. Especially things like these are meant to be cherished. I could have prevented a lot of guilt and insecurity at one point of time in life had I known that it is OK to ‘feel’; inspite of being a female. However, I was punished. But I’m grateful to have figured out now. I am healthy, hearty and whole and am proud to ‘be’ the most passionate woman I’ve known in life; the kind of which I’ve only read, so far.

2010-10-10T09:22:00.000-07:00

It's been so long since I last posted. Quite a lot has happened in life lately. Well, one thing am glad about is, I'm back to being me again. Man!!!! It's awesome!!!

I have amazing posts coming shortly ppl. Right now, the lyrics of this song 'mumma' dedicated to mom and all the outstanding, amazing and beautiful women in my family who make family what it is. I love you all :) (all athi s, maami's, chaachis, dadis, nanis and evryone else I must've forgotten to add here) I luv u all. Thank u for presence. :D I dont knw what life would be without u all... :D :D :)

Mumma is the song. Here it goes:

Maa... Meri Maa..Pyaari Maa...

Mamaa hooMaa... Meri Maa..

Pyaari Maa...Mamaa

Haatho ki lakerien badal jayengi

Gum ki yeh zanjeerein Peeghal jayengi

Ho khuda pe bhi aasar

Tu duaon ka hai ghar

Meri Maa..Meri Maa..

Pyaari Maa...Mammaa

hooMaa... Meri Maa..

Pyaari Maa...Mammaa

Begdi kismat bhi sawanr jaayegi

Zindagi tarane khushi ke gayegi

Tere hote kiska dar

Tu duawon ka hai ghar

Meri Maa..Meri Maa..

Pyaari Maa...Mammaa

hooMaa... Meri Maa..

Pyaari Maa...Mammaa

Yun tu mein Sab se nyara hoon

Tera maaa mein dulara hoon

Yun tu mein Sab se nyara hoon

Tera maaa mein dulara hoon

Duniya mein jeene se jyada uljhan hai maaa

Tu hai amar ka jahan

Tu gussa karti hai Bada accha lagta hai

Tu kaan pakati hai Badi zor se lagta hai

Meri MaaMeri Maa..Meri Maa..

Pyaari Maa...Mammaa

hooMaa... Meri Maa..Pyaari Maa...Mammaa

Haatho ki lakerien badal jayengi

Gum ki yeh zanjeerein Peeghal jayengi

Ho khuda pe bhi aasar

Tu duawon ka hai ghar

Meri Maa..Meri Maa..Pyaari Maa...

Mammaa hooMaa... Meri Maa..Pyaari Maa...Mammaa

Confessions – Part II

2010-07-20T03:17:00.000-07:00

· Sometimes I cry when I’m very happy. I shed tears of joy.

· I’m horribly sentimental. Sometimes I try to mask it and I’m scared that people can misuse that aspect of me if they discover it. But I’ve realised that it is a part of me and it makes me who I am.

· I cry when someone asks me why I am upset and I don’t realise something’s bothering me till I cry when someone’s asked me about it.

· I pretend to be stronger than I am.

· I’m commitment phobic but my day doesn’t begin till I don’t have a dose of classic English romantic songs playing on my laptop.

· Sometimes, I really wish I was at home.

· I really admire myself and my long odyssey of life in the depths of my heart.

· Sometimes I want to sleep on mom’s lap when I feel I can’t take things anymore.

· I crave to hug papa sometimes.

· Sometimes I act like a bitch and try to feel good; but I don’t. Now, I’ve figured out a lot about what I am and love myself for it.

· Peer pressure is over weighing sometimes but I simply close my eyes and think of what I was and what I am. I feel proud.

· Sometimes I simply freeze in a group of people when I’m uncomfortable.

· I wish I could be papa’s little girl again and play with him all day and feel so loved; like the world’s my play ground.

· I wish sometimes that I were a little meaner.

· I dream to win over the world one day.

The Shield

2010-07-12T09:18:00.000-07:00

I’ve figured sometimes it’s better to take advises and suggestions of trusted experienced people than to be a crusader struggling to live and learn on your own. Too many pains can be averted that way you know. I know what you’ll must be thinking about. It’s that curiosity and temptation towards those unknown glittering objects. :D Well, trust me; I’m very familiar with it. I guess that curiosity is destiny’s way to make a few experiences happen in our life. I always thought there’s absolutely no requirement for pain when lessons can be learnt otherwise. But the temptation we succumb to, could only be undone by the lessons (painful or otherwise). And I think one day when I look back to my odyssey of life, I’ll be glad to have experienced everything that I actually have. Every time I see or hear of other people’s feelings, I will be able to empathize (and converse) with them about it because of the myriad of emotions I myself have been through over the years. It isn’t just being able to talk about politics and general knowledge that’s enough; isn’t it? Yeah, the answers are getting clearer and clearer every day, thankfully. Life is actually beautiful. And it’s even more so when you know how to shield yourself from anything that could potentially do you harm. J

To Trust

2010-06-23T02:19:00.000-07:00

I just saw an equation of trust online. It says Trust = Reliability + Delight. A nice way to put it. But an honest confession of mine is that I don’t see delight in trusting anyone anymore. I really don’t know what’s wrong. I feel that lack of love; but this love that’s lacking is inside me. I don’t radiate love anymore. How do I heal myself? Something’s really missing.

It’s a long way to the top.

2010-06-20T03:41:00.000-07:00

Here with family and in my warm, comfortable abode, sometimes I dread going back to the hostel. But then, I think of how much I’ve grown over the years in which I’ve been out and how much I’ve discovered myself. Had I been at home, I’d never think of growing as a person and building myself stronger and better every day. And yeah, I cannot live my life like a frog in a well. Even if I’m given a chance, I’d rather fly.

Well, for the last few days, I’ve been treating strangers like enemies. And I don’t really like the feeling. Well, the world isn’t my enemy. It is, in fact, conspiring in my favour. I don’t deny the fact that I’m scared of a few people out there. I’m not really scared of them, but of how they make me feel. But I also know that fear means there’s a necessity for an attitude change now. It’s not like I’m meeting bullies and Bi****s for the first time. When I was a kid, there used to be bullies in school whom I’d handled anyways. These are new people in the list. I’ll handle them. I’ll give up stereotyping too. I’ll try and be hardworking too. It’s a long way to the top.

My China Review

2010-06-12T06:45:00.001-07:00

It’s been an entire semester since I returned from China and yet I haven’t completed an article about the China trip. However, I’m glad I’m doing it right now. Well, there are several aspects about China that I can write about. There are the landscapes, the buildings, the architecture, trees, food, people, culture and what not. I think I’ll write about those aspects which have taught me and affected me the most.

It is for sure that China is a very ancient civilisation and has rich heritage. It is quite developed too; at least much more than what I thought before I went there. It is after all one of the fastest growing economies. During my first week I didn’t feel at all like I was in a new country except of course for the Mongolian faces all around; coz the city Wuhan was pretty much covered in concrete and buildings. It was later when I interacted with the people around that more of their culture and etiquettes started sinking into my skin. It was a pleasure to work and live with co-interns from all around the globe. I got a lot to learn about culture sensitivity, variance and etiquettes and yeah, the kind of attitudes people had, were so totally new and amazing. It was nice to discuss international politics at dinner and imbibing different cultures was so very amazing. Later when work started, I had to interview entrepreneurs and conduct workshops for high school students and none of them could understand my accent inspite of knowing English. That was a big pain. It hit me most when my team leader, Seara said I should not speak in the workshops coz none of them will understand my accent anyways. Well, a characteristic feature of old civilisations is immense pride in their culture and that applies to India too. It is a Chinese speaking country and most of the people who know English there are the first generation youth of my age. And I am being stopped from talking, because my English is ‘weird’. They believed that if they had to translate, I had no role to play at all. However, it was solved and I was given a chance to speak; thanks to my war for justice and my co-workers intervention too. It was however at the cost of me ending up with bad terms with my team leader. It was then that I suffered most. Coz I was in a foreign country, on my own with no one who thinks and behaves like I do and hence, no one to console and understand me either. It had been a state of fear. Right now, no words would be ample to describe how exactly I had felt then.

That night, I realised how important it is to be with people who are like you. I also dreamt that I was in a place where there were weird kinds of creatures; monkeys with curly hair plated like Negroes and weird tails running towards me. It was just so scary. Thanks to sources like Facebook, I could talk to my kind of people. The feeling I had that night is something that will stay with me forever. Just one post will not be sufficient to say everything I experienced the entire one month but yeah, it was all in all, a beautiful experience. Today, thinking of what happened then, makes me proud of myself.

Between the East & the West

2010-06-12T03:11:00.000-07:00

I read this book recently about her highness Queen Elizabeth’s state visit to the Middle East and her gift of an autographed photo of hers, in a silver frame to the Arab head of the state. For the Arabs, this was a tasteless embodiment of ego. Having had the fortune to travel a little learn about culture sensitivity and to represent India abroad at an age of 19, thankfully, has taught me about how all cultures are beautiful in their diversity and yet there’s so much to learn from each culture inspite of them clashing each other sometimes.

A lot of self-improvement books written by authors from the west, talk about the concept of loving yourself and accepting yourself the way you are and discovering yourself. This of course is one of the ingredients to happy living. The eastern culture however defies emotions associated with arrogance and ego. However, in the East, we believe in selflessness and that too with dignity. Well, there are people who love themselves so much, that they cannot take a word against their egos. These people are a screw up of cultures. It happens when people ape others in a pursuit of happiness and do not try to understand what gives them happiness personally.

It is important to act like an educated person and not just be content with being a literate.

My Encounter with the Red Faced Monkey

2010-06-12T00:19:00.001-07:00

I have this huge tree next to my house; a real dense one it is. The climate here in Bangalore is really pleasant since the last two days; cloudy and cold. And to my mom’s surprise, there were red faced monkeys loitering around the tree branches and on the roof of the mansion next to my house. It was nice to see that a polluted city still attracts nature’s motile creatures. The surprise was pleasant until one monkey climbed into our apartment through the window in the kitchen. That was a sight. My mom rushed out of the kitchen to call me. I called my dad. The monkey was scared at the sight of my dad. But, it did not go out. It came in till it saw a small bag of sugar; grabbed it and how it jumped out of the kitchen!

Now that was something. A monkey knows that its venture should be worth some gain. In spite of the fear, it grabbed something for itself. My mom says, “‘a monkey on a Saturday’, what an auspicious omen.” Well for those who don’t know, Saturday is considered as the day of Lord Hanuman. Superstitions in a country as ancient as ours don't die.J Well, that’s the tale of my encounter with the red faced monkey; have nothing more to write about this situation. Yeah, a whole lot of my old monkey memories came to mind and I recalled that this isn’t really the first monkey encounter. A chain of memories attached to one creature. Pretty amazing. J

Of Life’s Experiences

2010-06-11T12:28:00.001-07:00

I used to have a belief that no person must try to hide their weaknesses. They should actually bring out their weaknesses to light and work on them rather than getting defensive. This is a positive belief, I know. But my opinions about it have changed quite a lot. Especially after the kind of people I’ve met lately. Choose friends wisely they say. I couldn’t have learnt this lesson any better. My aunt had told me, “You will meet a few friends in life who will be with you in thick and thin and will teach you what true friendship is all about. But to recognise such people, you need to see a little life.” I guess the kind of treachery; backstabbing and abandoning in a lurch were all things I needed to see. And with the kind of belief I then held, I never even hesitated opening up and revealing my weaknesses to treasonous people. I should have known that sometimes it is important to show yourself as stronger than what you actually are to the world to protect yourself. Not everyone tries to help you out with working on the weaknesses. Well, it might sound pessimistic, but I have met people who try to use others’ weaknesses to their advantage. You need to develop a filter to save yourself from such people. Coz expectations hurt the most when they’re not fulfilled. People tend to build expectations and meanwhile fulfil their purpose. And insecurities and fears aren’t meant to be revealed to the world. Not all of them at least and not to everyone also.

Thankfully I do not wait for someone to come to me and fulfil my dreams for me. I have learnt that I have the potential to fulfil my dreams for myself and decorate my own soul for myself. Yes, my heart skips a beat every now and then at the sound of any appealing opportunity. I let it dream. That’s one luxury I don’t forbid it from. But after it has had enough of its euphoria, I make sure I calm my senses and see to it that both the sides of the coin have been observed. To grow to be a woman, I’ve realised I need to nourish the child inside me. And only a fool would want to live in the glory of the past, ignoring the present. A woman with grace is what I dream to be. And what sometimes is a child’s grief can beautifully be masked by a woman’s grace. I pray I realise my destiny soon.

This one's for you papa :)

2010-06-08T13:07:00.000-07:00

For the man who's heart is an ocean of love; of whom I can never have enough. The person with whom I can associate the phrase "unconditional love"

Kabhi dil se kisi k ghamo ko apnaya hai humne

Kisi k ghamo ko khud pe guzarne ki duwa ki hai humne

Aasuon k samandar baha denge yu to,

Par kisi k raah k kaato ko hum phulo k chadar ban k dhak denge

Aye mere parwartigar, un ko har dard, har aanch se dur rakhna

Hume aazmale tu chahe hazaar baar;

Unko tu meri bhi khushiya, meri nekiya de dena.

Dastaan-e-dil

2010-06-08T13:03:00.000-07:00

Kabhi dil se kisi k na khele koi

Pyar ka jo majbur ho, usse na muh fere koi

Teri paheliyo ko samajhne ki koshishe bhi ki hai khuda,

Khud ki bebasi se tooti hu hazaar baar;

Fir teri yaad mein khud ko sameta bhi hai humne

Majbooriyo ka silsila khatm kar de mere khuda

Ya is dard ko mita de, ye is bikhar k sametne wali shaksiyat ko.

After a While

2010-06-08T12:37:00.001-07:00

After a while you learn

The subtle difference between

Holding a hand and chaining a soul

And you learn

That love doesn’t mean leaning

And company doesn’t mean security.

And you begin to learn

That kisses aren’t contracts

And presents aren’t promises

And you begin to accept your defeats

With your head up and your eyes ahead

With the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child

And you learn

To build all your roads on today

Because tomorrows’ ground is

Too uncertain for plans

And futures have a way of falling down

In mid-flight.

After a while you learn

That even sunshine burns

If you get too much

So you plant your own garden

And decorate your own soul

Instead of waiting for someone

To bring you flowers.

And you learn that you really can endure

You really are strong

Yu really do have worth

And you learn

With every good bye, you learn...

-Veronica A. Shoffstall

To Err

2010-05-27T07:11:00.001-07:00

Not deliberately but by mistake, I’ve hurt a few people. Probably that’s the thing about life. Some people make mistakes and others suffer because of that. A few apologise and learn and a few try to save themselves and make more mistakes to cover the ones they made and live lives with their cluttered conscience. At the end, after long waiting, truth alone conquers. So, in that period, we’ve got to decide whether we’ll be patient and suffer a little now or save ourselves now and suffer in the long run. Thank you God J for the answer.

The Kid Who Lived On My Bookshelf

2010-05-27T07:09:00.000-07:00

I had a really weird dream today morning; a very unrealistic one. You might have a good laugh over it & I’m laughing at it too at the moment. But then, I know it has some meaning to convey. I dreamt that a small 'chinkee' boy, not more than 10 years old was living on top of my bookshelf ‘in hiding’; on the same wooden bookshelf that I have in my hostel room. I was fast asleep when he tried to peep into the room and then I woke up. I was still in a drowsy state of mind when he jumped down and tried to escape. I made a feeble attempt to stop him and yell at him for staying in my place without my permission and escaping without even telling me (if not thanking me). I would make better arrangements for his stay than that neck spraining place. But then, I was just so sleepy that I closed my eyes and rolled back to sleep.

I didn’t like the fact that someone stayed at my place without my permission and escaped like that. But then it happened again and I knew I had to set traps for the kid and put him completely out. Then I woke up and the dream ended. How true it is that our dreams carry the knowledge of our sub-conscious mind. Now thankfully I know that it troubles me when things like this happened. Maybe what I need to learn from this dream is, I must be more aware and alert of every corner of my room and make sure no one ever messes around it like that. And even if someone does and if I catch them red handed, I must make sure I din some etiquettes into their heads.

I know not everyone’ll understand a word of this dream and I apologise for the inconvenience but some things are supposed to be confidential, aren’t they? ;-)

My Call to You

2010-05-27T07:08:00.000-07:00

I pray to ye my gracious creator, with fervour and with pain;

When will my quest to find the answers finally let me gain?

Will the weakness end or that pain subside?

Or am I to cradle it within me; for it can no longer hide.

I know of patience and of endurance; but every minute I’m dying

You’re aware of it; of that I’m sure. Then why do you leave me crying?

Bit by bit and piece by piece in me the pain is piling

It makes me helpless and all baffled up. Why aren’t you replying?

Now I don’t want to haul it anymore,

You pick it up and let me have it no more.

Your mysteries are deep and me, you’ve confined,

Give me a conclusion and my answers defined.

The Communion

2010-05-27T07:06:00.000-07:00

I ponder whenever some kind of evil happens if God is watching this and if he is, why is he letting it happen. And I recall of patience and endurance. Job has a story of how much he’d suffered yet he had patience and ultimately it did bear fruit. But then, what was the point of all that suffering? Hitler lived and created so much chaos and caused so many deaths. He did perish, yes. I am sure he is in hell now. But what about those people who suffered because of him? They died. And they saw hell on earth before dying. What was the point of all that? They must have thought how life can get back like before after so much cruelty and malice. Well, I ponder too that on the same Earth where I live so much injustice has happened. It makes me think about the instances where I have myself witnessed injustice happening around with people. Yes, I should be good. But also I see people getting away with wrong-doing; and that too so skilfully. If I be good in return, I’ll feel exploited. Then, I think that He has his own mysterious ways of making things happened. I should go with the flow. Patience. Endurance. I know it’s easier said than done but maybe there are a few of his catalyst agents who quicken the pace of justice. There are situations where nothing can be done but where I can, maybe I must not let injustice happened; at least not deliberately.

I’m waiting for an answer from Him. Perhaps my answer is on its way. J

Butterfly in the Cocoon

2010-05-27T07:04:00.000-07:00

One feeling that I get too often which I confess; I couldn’t tell out to people openly is about my heart. Well, I never knew I’d type it out in my blog but that, I believe is the best part of writing; the freedom to express. I don’t know if my readers would think I’m psyched in some way for saying this; but at times I feel that there is a kid in me. I mean sometimes I feel pregnant. Not that literal pregnant; of a child in the womb. I mean in my chest. I feel those kicks and that pain in my chest. Well that pain is only when I see someone*. Suddenly I’m able to relate to the songs with heavy-meaning lyrics. Well, I feel happy now that I’ve expressed something I’d be really embarrassed to express otherwise. But you know, I wish in real I wouldn’t have to experience it at all. Every time I’m at home I think it won’t happen the next time I face the situation but it does. Maybe I should accept that it won’t stop and that this is how it is going to be till the end of eternity. Maybe that way it’ll be easier to bear the pain. Maybe that way the pain will just be lesser than what I think it will be when I’m alone. For now, I’ll stop pitying myself and think of the pain as one of the aspects of being human and having a heart. Endurance is the key. If He made me like this then he’s also probably given me the strength to bear it. Or maybe I’m getting stronger with every ounce of pain I’m bearing. This pain may give me wings to fly later; just like every butterfly struggles with all its might to get out of the cocoon and makes its wings strong enough to bear the pain flight will later give it. Later when it’s flying the pain is no more pain. It’s just the energy required to fly.

Bonds

2010-05-27T07:00:00.000-07:00

There’s an invisible bond that is born between creatures; and a very beautiful one it is. I wonder how convenient it would be if this bond was material and we could just cut off the bond with a pair of scissors; with no pain or hassle. These bonds are perhaps a sign and a beautiful gift of God saying that there’s a piece of his supreme glory in them. And anything that has his supreme will in it is definitely not perishable. Relationships are perhaps a gift, a supreme gift. Everything is meant to be and has a reason for it. And for a bond to happen there’ll definitely be great, wonderful and splendid times which will lead to it. But we can’t really help it if it doesn’t work out. Some relations just don’t work out and yet, they happened for a reason.

What the reason is, I don’t know and I want an answer from Him again.

Confession

2010-04-27T02:58:00.000-07:00

I met a few people whom I wish I hadn't met. But I know there's a reason behind it. My blog is very mysterious in ways. I write about my feelings without exposing facts in real. I confess today; I'm scared. I don't really know of what. But sometimes it's better when people don't know how you feel. But I don't really know. What if people come to know what I feel? Maybe they'll laugh at it, maybe they'd understand, maybe nothing will happen at all. When I feel something, I feel it. That's it. I can't help it. The best part of writing is I have the freedom to be what I am. If I'm confused, I am. Let everyone else go to hell!!!

Today, I've decided I'm going to write everything that I feel without caring about people. Yes, I may go wrong. Then, I'll correct myself.

It makes me feel weird to think I've wasted 2 days when i should have studied. Never mind. I had exhausted myself enough. A 2 day break wouldn't kill me.

A week B4 exams

2010-04-27T02:51:00.000-07:00

It feels good that one more semester is coming to an end now; especially this one. Wow!!! It’s been a roller coaster ride, this semester! I had this itch to try a few things, take charge of life and experiment with it. I’m glad I’ve satisfied my curiosity. Now, every time I see people doing things I don’t do, I won’t feel bad thinking I’m not living a wild life. I just know I’m not made for it. Man!!! Growing up is confusing. Peer pressure gets unbearable sometimes. Sometimes it’s tough accepting yourself the way you are. Not anymore though. I’ve figured out too many answers this sem. Life is definitely going to be different after this. A series of experimenting it has been.

Now, before I mess my life anymore; I better go study.

To Break the Walls of “Supposed to be”

2010-04-24T05:10:00.001-07:00

Too often blunders happened because we want to follow the “supposed to be this way” pattern. Had every person known his path to himself and had trusted the inner voice in him rather than doing things the way they are “supposed to be done”, I think the world would have been a much more beautiful place to be in. Of course it is a luxury to learn from our own errors and blunders; but following how things are supposed to be would not allow us to learn at all. The process of doing things the way they should be done, is of course a safe and conservative way of living; but life has been exposing a lot of itself to me lately. I’m glad it is. I’ve been reading and listening to a lot of “capacities of the human soul” lately and most amazingly, it is a very nice feeling to believe in it too. And somewhere, some voice inside of me tells me its true; to trust myself, to ask my creator for guidance and walk the long path; no matter how tiresome or how long it is.

Yes, that desperation arises; that feeling of helplessness crops in too. But at the end I realized there’s nothing much I can do. And at the end, everything has a purpose; a beautiful purpose. I guess believing him is all we can do at the end of the day. And we must make use of the privilege we have of carrying everything to Him in prayer.

There’s a hymn I used to sing in school:

“Oh what peace we often forfeit, oh what needless pains we bear

All because we do not carry everything to God in prayer”

I realize I understand the meaning of that hymn much better now.

The Disclaimer Clause

2010-03-18T05:18:00.000-07:00

I recently met this friend of mine who read an article in which I wrote that losers talk big and he asked me if it was for him. I was taken aback for some time at the question and answered truthfully that it wasn’t. Well, I think I must be a cautious writer. Actually, that wasn’t a stereotype for all people who talk big. It was just a vent of my fury against one person I met and who actually spoke too big without meaning a single word. Now wouldn’t that infuriate any sane person? It did to me at least. And I wrote in my fury that losers talk big. Well, I know one thing that as long as you don’t dream big and think big, you won’t know what you want to achieve. I am a true motivator for all those who dare to dream big and intend to fulfil those dreams for themselves. They definitely are NOT losers. I see big dreams too and hope to fulfil them for myself someday.
But yeah; people who don’t mean a word of what they say and speak big to impress people for, I don’t know what joy, are definitely biggest of losers. In fact, I wouldn’t waste words on such people.

I Hate These Déjà-Vu Vibes!!!

2010-03-18T05:17:00.000-07:00

The pole star is a mark of permanence. In fact it guides the sailors who’re lost. That’s how fixed a pole star is. I don’t know if I ever had a real, literal pole star in my life but this so called polestar made me lose my way, baffled me, confused me and gives me these déjà-vu vibes every single day; the vibes which I hate so much. Perhaps that its’ existence causes these awful waves inside me is something permanent in our mortal world. I know permanence doesn’t last long and it’ll vanish. I’m glad somewhere this polestar is true to its name; even if it is in creating these awful, painful waves inside me.

Quotes from my Favorite Author

2010-03-10T11:43:00.000-08:00

In a few years, this little girl will be a woman who will make small demands on her life, who will never burden others, who will never let on that she too has had sorrows, disappointments, dreams that have been ridiculed. A woman who will be like a rock in a riverbed, enduring without complaint, her grace not sullied but shaped by the turbulence that washed over her.
Laila has moved on. Because in the end she knows that’s all she can do. That and hope.
""She said, 'I'm so afraid.' And I said, 'why?,' and she said, 'Because I'm so profoundly happy. Happiness like this is frightening.' I asked her why and she said, 'They only let you be this happy if they're preparing to take something from you.'"
"Yes, hope is a strange thing. Peace at last. But at what price?"
""...sometimes the shifting of rocks is deep, deep below, and it's powerful and scary down there, but that all we feel on the surface is a slight tremor. Only a slight tremor." "
"And that's the thing about people who mean everything they say. They think everyone else does too."
"You're utless. It's how you were made. And that's not such a bad thing because your saving grace is that you've never lied to yourself about it. Not about that. Nothing wrong with cowardice as long as it comes with prudence. But when a coward stops remembering who he is... God help him."
"How seamless seemed love and then came trouble."
" There is a God,there always had been.I see Him here,in the eyes of the people in this corridor of desperation.This is the real house of God,this is where those who have lost the God will find Him.There is a God,there has to be, and now I'll pray,I'll pray that He will forgive that I have neglected Him all of these years, forgive that I've betrayed,lied and sinned with impunity only to turn to Him now in my hour of need,I pray that He is as merciful,benevolent and gracious as His book says He is.. "
"A man who has no conscience, no goodness, does not suffer."
"There is a way to be good again...
A way to end the cycle."
"for the first time since we had crossed the border, I felt like I was back. After all these years, I was home again, standing on the soil of my ancestors. I sat against one of the house's clay walls. The kinship I felt suddenly for the old land...it surprised me. I'd been gone long enough to forget and be forgotten. I had a home in a land that might as well be in another galaxy to the people sleeping on the other side of the wall I leaned against. I thought I had forgotten about this land. But I handn't. And, under the bony glow of a half-moon, I sensed [the land] humming under my feet. Maybe [it] hand't forgotten me either."
"You don't order someone to polish your shoes one day and call them 'sister' the next."
"In his rearview mirror, I saw something flash in his eyes. "You want to know?" he sneered. "Let me imagine, Agha sahib. You probably lived in a big two- or three-story house with a nice backyard that your gardener filled with flowers and fruit trees. All gated, of course. Your father drove an American car. You had servants, probably Hazaras. Your parents hired workers to decorate the house for the fancy mehmanis they threw, so their friends would come over to drink and boast about their travels to Europe or America. And I would bet my first son's eyes that this is the first time you've ever worn a pakol." He grinned at me, revealing a mouthful of prematurely rotting teeth. "Am I close?"
"Why are you saying these things?" I said.
"Because you wanted to know," he spat. He pointed to an old man dressed in ragged clothes trudging down a dirt path, a large burlap pack filled with scrub grass tied to his back. "That's the real Afghanistan, Agha sahib. That's the Afghanistan I know. You? You've always been a tourist here, you just didn't know it.""
"Laila remembered Mammy telling Babi once that she had married a man who had no convictions. Mammy didn't understand. She didn't understand that if she looked into a mirror, she would find the one unfailing conviction of his life looking right back at her. "
"Children aren't coloring books. You don't get to fill them with your favorite colors. "
"It Does not Frighten Me To Leave This Life That My Only Son Left Five Years Ago, This Life That Insist We Bear Sorrow Upon Sorrow Long After We Can Bear No More. No I Believe I Shall Gladly Take My Leave When The Time Comes. What Frightens Me Is The Day God Summon Me Before Him And Asks. How Shall I Explain Myself To Him. What Will Be My Defense For Not Heeding His Commads."
"''It was only a smile, nothing more. It didn't make everything all right. It didn't make anything all right. Only a smile. A tiny thing. A leaf in the woods, shaking in the wake of a startled bird's flight.
But I'll take it. With open arms. Because when spring comes, it melts the snow one flake at a time, and maybe I just witnessed the first flake melting.'' "
""For you, a thousand times over.""
"the past held only this wisdom: that love was a damaging mistake, and its accomplice, hope, a treacherous illusion"
"'And that, ...is the story of our country, one invasion after another...Macedonians. Saddanians. Arabs. Mongols. Now the Soviets. But we're like those walls up there. Battered, and nothing pretty to look at, but still standing.'"
"And that, I believe, is what true redemption is, Amir jan, when guilt leads to good."
"It is now your duty to hone that talent, because a person who wastes his God-given talents is a donkey."
Life goes on, unmindful of beginning, end, kamyab, nah-kam, crisis or catharsis, moving forward like a slow, dusty caravan of kochis."
"There was brotherhood between people who had fed from the same breast, a kinship that even time could not break. - Amir"
"Blood is a powerful thing"
"Tariq tucked the gun into the waist of his denims. Then he said a thing both lovely and terrible. "For you," he said. "I'd kill with it for you, Laila.""
"I climbed a tree and ate these green, sour apples. My stomach swelled and became hard like a drum, it hurt a lot. Mother said that if I'd just waited for the apples to ripen, I wouldn't have become sick. So now, whenever I really want something, I try to remember what she said about the apples."
"Behind every trial and sorrow that He makes us shoulder, God has a reason."
"A boy who won't stand up for himself becomes a man who can't stand up to anything"
"A man's heart is a wretched, wretched thing. It isn't like a mother's womb. It won't bleed. It won't stretch to make room for you."
"I will follow you to the ends of the world."
"Boys, Laila came to see, treated friendship the way they treated the sun: its existence undisputed; its radiance best enjoyed, not beheld directly."
"I would give them (aspiring writers) the oldest advice in the craft: Read and write. Read a lot. Read new authors and established ones, read people whose work is in the same vein as yours and those whose genre is totally different. You've heard of chain-smokers. Writers, especially beginners, need to be chain-readers. And lastly, write every day. Write about things that get under your skin and keep you up at night."
People say that eyes are windows to the soul."
""she is the noor of my eyes and the sultan of my heart.""
"For you, anything."
"The glassy, vacant look in his eyes was gone. His gaze flitted between our kite and the green one. His face was a little flushed, his eyes suddenly alert. Awake. Alive. I wondered when I had forgotten that, despite everything, he was still just a child."
"But Laila has decided that she will not be crippled by resentment. Mariam wouldn’t want it that way. ‘What’s the sense?’ she would say with a smile both innocent and wise. ‘What good is it, Laila jo?’ And so Laila has resigned herself to moving on. For her own sake, for Tariq’s, for her children’s. And for Mariam, who still visits Laila in her dreams, who is never more than a breath or two below her consciousness. Laila has moved on. Because in the end she knows that’s all she can do. That and hope.

- Khaled Hosseini

The Greener side

2010-03-06T02:10:00.000-08:00

It’s a weird tendency to find the grass on the other side of the fence greener. I miss home now that I’m in Manipal. It’s the other way round when I’m at home. The afternoons at home are beautiful; especially when food is done and everyone is off for their siesta and I can lay on the cold floor in the veranda and notice the tiny black ants going in and out of the crevices of the floor. They have their own busy, beautiful world. I wonder how such tiny creatures actually live without being trampled by anyone. That again is the magic of my creator. If every gnat is so well taken care of, then I don’t need to worry about myself. He’s doing what he has to for me. I’ve felt a weird kind of helplessness lately; but not anymore. All my helplessness is in my creator’s account. Let him handle it for me.

The Lighter Side

2010-03-05T13:22:00.000-08:00

I have this miniature poetry collection of mine which I restarted after 4 years of break from poetry. And I began with writing about the dark side of life. I met many people when it was difficult for me to accept myself the way I was; and I got advises from the biggest of losers. People told me to write about the happier, brighter sides of life. I did attempt to do so and I realised that that was actually tougher. Well, losers give good advises most often. Only they talk too big; so big that they themselves can’t follow it. No wonder they end up as losers. The point is, I know my life better than any other mortal. No matter how good people are to me, how much good they intend for me, its ultimately me who’s going through whatever I go through.

Now, I don’t know if the dark side is over or the light side has begun; or whether its just a change in my perception, I’m actually happier these days. And I realised that when initially I wrote about stepping out of the dark tunnel, I grew more humble. But the biggest of challenges I had to face was to keep my eyes open inspite of the sudden exposure to the brightness. And yeah, there’s actually a crowd waiting for you out there at the end of the tunnel; in which people are probably acquainted to living with open eyes during the day and are a comfortable member of that crowd.

Being frank, I’ve had tough time adjusting with crowds and with sudden brightness at the end of the tunnel. Loneliness is not easy but at the end of loneliness I realised it was so addictive. I’ve tried coming out of it. I’ve failed and I’m not ashamed confessing it. I’ll still keep trying because I know that I’ll fail only when I give up. The world outside the tunnel isn’t easy in the beginning; but now I see beauty in it. My creator has made it so beautiful; like he made me beautiful. I pray I succeed.

The Life of an Escapist

2010-03-05T13:03:00.000-08:00

At some point of time, I guess everyone tends to be an escapist. I’ve been doing that for quite some time now. And well, I needed an eye-opener which I got today. Life seems so much easier when you do not have to brood about your weaknesses, mistakes or suffering. Doing that doesn’t finish them though. No matter how much I teach myself, I ultimately do the same mistakes every now and then. And yes, I made this mistake again. Following the crowd and the norms is so not meant for me; I’ve learnt this again for the millionth time today.

Well, I’ve learnt now and realised that I didn’t need to escape my fears or weaknesses ever. Had I faced them long back, they would have vanished by now. There’s this child inside of everyone who does not let them live sensibly in the world. It keeps yearning for adventure, fun and is tempted to glittering objects too soon. Perhaps it was this child who didn’t allow me to move on; no matter how hard I tried. Face it!! This is what I’ve taught the inner child in me today.

Sure, I’ll not inhibit fun from my life. I’ll do my bit to pamper the inner me. I guess this is what balancing life means. May Almighty give me strength, patience and wisdom like he has so far.

Happiness is Just a thought Away:-)

2009-11-23T06:38:00.000-08:00

I was out on a family get-together recently. It’s quite amazing to note the extreme change in the way I feel when I’m with loved ones. Protected. Loved. Well, I’ve made this new resolution to not brood so much and live in the moment and be happy all the time (even if I have no reason for it). I don’t really think I’ll never have a reason though. Like, I can be happy for the small things in life which I have so much in abundance; like every meal I get, every dawn I witness, every friend I have and every single thing that that adds to my happiness subconsciously. I must just pull out that happiness to my conscious senses so that I actually feel happy and give out those vibes too.
I must’ve blocked at least a 100 thoughts today; most of them being useless negative ones. This new resolution is working wonders!!! I’m heading exactly where I want to go; thankfully (another reason to be happy, see!!!!) And I’m actually smiling at the moment. It is in the way we look at life where happiness lies. Think happy, be happy.
One more resolution I’ve made is, I don’t need to be worried about what people will think of me and stop doing things I want to do. Being scared is not the solution. I should and will do all the things in the world that I want to do. Good, bad, I don’t care. There’s one voice inside me that distinguishes between right and wrong. I’ll follow that. And every time I fail, I’ll teach that voice that this is not how it was supposed to be. It’ll help me better in the long run with every experience that I gain. Well, it’s not like I’ll be a total rebel not caring for anyone. I will consider the opinions of my loved ones and also of people but the final verdict will be my own. It’s my life right... I’ll be the one bearing the consequences. But yes, I’ll keep in mind that people have every right to give their opinions; whether I like it or not. To develop a skill to skim opinions and accept the right ones without letting the ‘bad’ ones affect you is a skill which I’m soon going to master; I pray. :-) I’m happy happy happy.

2009-11-12T09:44:00.001-08:00

When we’re naive, (which is almost all the time) people matter so much to us. I mean people’s feelings matter so much to us (sub-consciously, of course). I haven’t written for many days. I wonder what’s happened to me. Does it make any sense, what I’m writing? Exams do no good to a child, seriously!!! L But life’s good. Whatever it is, it simply is so beautiful; especially when you have friends to share it with. Thank you all my friends who make my life so beautiful. I never knew what I was missing till I met you all. J J J

Feelings

2009-11-12T09:30:00.000-08:00

We humans in our haste judge feelings as good or bad. Feelings aren’t supposed to be wrong. They are never wrong in fact. Feelings just carry the knowledge of your subconscious mind. And do you know what the subconscious mind is? It is that part of your mind which consists of all such feelings of yours which you don’t accept because you’re too busy judging them or simply because you’re too busy with all the other activities and are ignoring yourself, pretending to be something else.

I want to write about anger today for some weird reason. We might call it a negative feeling out of our hasty judgements but is it actually all that negative? It lets people around us sense we aren’t comfortable with something they’re doing. Respect the people who pay heed to your anger; not out of fear but out of care. They just don’t want you to be uncomfortable. But one mustn’t use anger as a tool to hush people from being themselves. Like in my earlier post, I say again, one must know where to draw a line. Be direct, be instantaneous and don’t suffocate yourself with pent up anger lest it harms you and those around you. To express anger is important but everything has preset limits and so does this emotion.

Its My Blog and I Rule!!!!!!

2009-11-11T13:53:00.000-08:00

Hmmm... It’s been so many weeks since I’ve written for my blog. It feels good to write after so long, especially with the cool breeze my hostel connector has for me to offer. Wow!!! I’m just loving it. I feel new and I don’t feel lost anymore. Wow Wow Wow!!!!!!! Haha.

People who’ve read my blog tell me I’m the serious kind. Well, I guess that’s what my blog portrays about me. Perhaps that is what I seem to people from a distance. But people, I love to laugh out loud. Don’t you dare think that I’m a cry baby. No way!!! Well even if you do think, I don’t really care. I’m just too happy to care about perceptions of humans who can only see the world from their own restricted perceptions.

I don’t intend to brag but I am and I know I’m worth every piece of appreciation that is in the world for me. I love the idea of me. J And I’m unique.

I figured I don’t need to wage a war with anyone or with myself for that matter to ‘be myself’. One attempt I’ve made to get closer to me is writing this blog, more for me than for anything else. Sometimes I do write articles which I delete out of embarrassment the very next day or a day later or the day later than that. But whom am I scared of? It’s my life, my experiences and my own way thinking and feeling. Who the hell can judge them? I’m fooling myself and no one else when I look at myself from another person’s view.

I love my supreme creator and I trust him... for making me unique and different from the crowd. I’m sure he has a reason for it; and a beautiful reason it must be. I pray that I’m able to carry myself with all the dignity and charisma that my soul deserves. And so what if I’m different, I’m still a part of the crowd and I love being a part of it. I know I’ll help myself out at the end of the day. He has always helped me help myself out.

It reminds me of that poem ‘The House by the Side of the Road’ written by Sam Walter Foss.

There are hermit souls that live withdrawn
In the peace of their self-content;
There are souls, like stars, that swell apart,
In a fellowless firmament;
There are pioneer souls that blaze their paths
Where highways never ran;
But let me live by the side of the road
And be a friend to man.

Let me live in a house by the side of the road,
Where the race of men go by;
The men who are good and the men who are bad,
As good and as bad as I.
I would not sit in the scorner's seat,
Or hurl the cynic's ban;
Let me live in a house by the side of the road
And be a friend to man.

I see from my house by the side of the road,
By the side of the highway of life,
The men who press with the ardour of hope,
The men who are faint with the strife.
But I turn not away from their smiles nor their tears
Both parts of an infinite plan;
Let me live in my house by the side of the road
And be a friend to man.

Let me live in my house by the side of the road
Where the race of men go by;
They are good, they are bad, they are weak,
They are strong,
Wise, foolish - so am I.
Then why should I sit in the scorner's seat
Or hurl the cynic's ban? -
Let me live in my house by the side of the road
And be a friend to man.

Sam Walter Foss

- to remind us that we are here to help one another along life's journey...

2009-11-05T11:56:00.000-08:00

Can some1 tell me how to be myself without trying to be myself????????????? Coz 'Be urself" is beginning to sound way too cliche to me now.

Please help me figure it out some1..........

I confess I fear having a bad name....

Being myself is getting tougher & tougher.

2009-09-24T12:54:00.000-07:00

Wonders of His Creations

2009-09-23T03:52:00.000-07:00

We humans are quite impatient creatures. It probably has something to do with our mortality. We must not be aware of it in our conscious state but we do know that we are mortals and how limited our time in the world is in our sub conscious minds. We tend to make so many mistakes in our haste. Yet we keep repeating it. Perhaps out of habit or simply because it is a human tendency.

We experience so many feelings in a short span of time and feelings are something so out of our control. Sometimes we regret having a few feelings. But isn’t that beautiful? There are so many of Almighty’s other creatures who probably don’t have our capacity to feel things and even if they do feel, they definitely won’t be able to express it like us. Our mortality, our mixed up feelings which make us guilty sometimes and confused so many times are all beautiful; aren’t they? And our biggest treasure I would say is the relationship we share with our creator. All of us, in our various states and activities are putting his spirit into action and how gracious of him to give us our free will to do anything we like with the spirit he has blown into us. Each one of us is a living evidence of his beautiful and bountiful spirit. I heard that Satan asked for some space in each one of our hearts and Almighty gave him that space he wanted. Can you believe that a part of Almighty and also of evil dwell in the same one heart we have? Amusing isn’t it? And the beauty of how it is balanced is amazing too.
We have a 3^rd human voice termed as Ego by psychologists which differentiates between right and wrong. How our creator must’ve created us? It’s all so beautiful and amazing. And what’s more amazing is our capacity to get back to work inspite of being awestruck by his wonderful creation.

Can I ever thank you my Creator for making me so beautiful and the world around me as beautiful as I am? Words would never be enough. Please give me the strength to be patient which I know is so tough but I have no fear coz I know you are with me. J.

The Irony of Motivation

2009-09-18T12:16:00.000-07:00

I have this hobby of collecting pictures and photographs which fascinate me; especially the ones which portray abstract topics like freedom, fun, trust, security, care, beauty, etc. Turning all the pages of my album and experiencing so many emotions in a very short span of time is amazing, especially with a cup of coffee to savour along with it and not to forget, good music suiting my mood at that instant of time. 
In my ‘Organisation Behaviour’ class today, another abstract topic was being taught-‘Motivation’. My teacher says it is a godzillion task and a sacred recipe which companies are looking for these days. And looking for pictures of motivation was actually a lot tougher then getting another picture from the internet coz they were supposed to be purchased and aren’t available freely. The point is anything sells in the market. It only has to look useful. Motivation is actually a beautiful word & emotion that can be spurred into an individual, provided it is done in good faith. The irony is- an abstract thing like motivation sells too. Only it needs to be brought into the market with attractive packaging. It is amazingly true that anything sells in the market, anything! I see two ways of perceiving the situation. One is realising the fact that anything sells; only one needs to have the brain to survive in the market. And two is, if anything sells, I can as well follow my interests and make a fortune and live happily with the loads of cash I’ll earn + the pleasure and happiness of following my dreams and desires. But it cannot be forgotten that it requires brain work to make your dream work & look sellable in the market. 
The irony of motivation!!! Lol !!!

The Journey Called Life

2009-09-12T04:18:00.000-07:00

Not long ago has it been from now

That I’d begun on my own

To go away, very far away;

Into the maze life which was known.

I trusted my heart, my tiny heart

For all biddings mine to escort.

It was but yes, I do confess; my eager little soul,

That yearned to leap and touch every bit

Of the path which lay ahead therefrom

No hand did push, no trail I followed

For they were seized by time.

But one sure light did stay upright

My creator upon me bestowed

So I went on just on and on,

Through the maze life which was known.

To the land afar, oh yes very far

With springs around me flowing.

Now it was that I wondered why

A pain this maze was called?

Soon to me an answer came by

When spring did farewell me bid

And lead I was forward into that tunnel

That tunnel so dark that hath been.

Not a soul nor shadow did

Escort me now any further,

But that light lay very invisible now

The ‘human me’ to strengthen further.

I knew of its stay, for I had sensed

It told me to walk only deeper,

Deeper into that blinding darkness

Maze of life which was known.

To hunt for it that was eternal bliss

I had a long way to go.

It was now here on this very path

That feeling within me rouse

That how weak, how very weak

Is the tiny human soul!

How I wished, how terribly I wished,

That I were less human that time.

For that little heart which lead me so far

Was melting and tiring so fast.

But I had realised something by then

I had either too far to go

Or I was blinded from deep within

By the darkness which round me flowed

For not a beam then came to sight

To escort the shattered me in my plight

But then it turned; that tunnel hath turned

Now brilliance to flaunt abound.

My heart then yelled, it yelled indeed

To mark now victory mine

For weakness mine I had called before

My strength it turned to be.

For that small feel of the human me

Humbled me far by now

And I can see that light again

My creator hath put forth on me.

The Luxury of Freedom

2009-09-07T04:54:00.000-07:00

The word luxury usually brings the picture of material well being to one’s mind. One luxury that might seem immaterial to many but is the basic essential to happy living is called ‘freedom’. Having the right to live your life your way, to express your feelings the way you want to and to be able to do things without worrying about the perceptions of people who themselves have attitude problems is like an amazing life. To be able to learn on your own, to fall, to rise and to grow...aren’t these luxuries? Yes they are; especially for a female coming from a conservative Indian background. Let me add here that knowing the limits is essential again. But yes, having the right kind of freedom with proper guidance is a luxury; it definitely is. :-)

Drawing the line

2009-09-05T04:52:00.000-07:00

It’s quite a skill to know how to draw a line. No, I’m not being funny. What I mean is the line between discipline and strictness, care and spoon feeding, expectations and demands, liking and addiction, right and wrong, daydreaming and solitude...and the list goes on.

It must be beautiful to live a life without regrets. But is that how we’re made? It’s human to err, and the fear before reaching out and opening up, knowing that you’re going to make a few mistakes, is really weird. I’ve heard and read quite a bit about the big, bad world out there. I wonder what I’ll turn out to be or make of myself when I become a part of it. I don’t want to lose myself and I really fear I will. Change is quite significant in life but how can I be sure I’ll have only all the positive changes. I do feel passionately about going out and touching the world with my own hands. But wait; am I already not into the world? And I really love it. Being human is good you know. Why then do I fear touching the world?

Live, make mistakes, learn and above all, trust yourself. Every mistake you make will be because you didn’t know and every mistake teaches you something youdidn’t know. Don’t be coward. Keep your eyes open and learn out of mistakes coz it’s impossible to not make mistakes belonging to the human species. It’s not like I’m looking forward to make mistakes. It’s just that I’m deciding that I’ll stay open to the fact that I’m going to err and I won’t allow the mistakes to shatter me but will learn from it; if Almighty so wills.

The Positivity Flood

2009-09-02T14:08:00.000-07:00

It was when I was browsing the net for random ‘fun pictures’ when I came across this one. And whoa...I loved the look of it. So many times we tend to worry ourselves with silly & minor issues which won’t even matter in the long run. It’s mostly just a perception difference we have with different people. Studying personalities is making me really positive I must say, thankfully. Anyways, what I really want to say through this post is, “Stay happy people!!! People shouldn’t affect you. Have a clean heart and everyone will love you.” Take it from me. No one can insult you except with your own permission, isn’t it? The world loves you. All you need to do is, love it back. J

The Significance of Change

2009-09-01T10:35:00.001-07:00

It is an amazing feeling when you hone your ideologies and skills with times; be it through meeting more people or by learning more out of life. It definitely is nice to feel internally better then yesterday; every single day of life. We should risk opening our hearts and minds for more of everyday- more love, fun and adventure. J I’ve read that young people have a natural instinct to change, adapt and improve every day. Older people probably need to put in efforts to keep evolving each day. Not that it’s impossible for them. I’ve met many old people who’re open to change and are energetic and it is amazing to meet such people. I don’t know what I’d turn out to be later but for now, I find no harm in putting efforts to stay happy. We should make the best of our lives and use time productively. After all, it’s our life and our wish where to take it, isn’t it?

Materiality & Morals

2009-09-01T04:30:00.001-07:00

There is this theory I’ve begun believing in, that ‘Materialistic things and a proper conscience to some extent, go hand in hand.’ It’s not as if I believe that it’s important to be materialistically rich and have nothing to feed the body’s conscience. On the contrary, it also isn’t possible to live just on the opposite. But somewhere very deep inside this horizon of the material earth and the virtually existent sky, made up of principles and morals, there lays a bond; a very deep bond. Somewhere they touch each-other and are dependent on each-other to grow as the view stretches farther.

Almighty has created us out of materialistic metals (calcium, potassium, etc) along with mud. Our very creation is an indication of our materialistic needs. Material possessions do matter but it shouldn’t be forgotten that materiality is not the end of the world.

Politics and the people

2009-08-27T06:55:00.000-07:00

It is really irritating to see how the politics in our country functions. The manifesto I read today, of a contesting member, actually made me wonder how trickily the illiterates of our country’s votes are wooed. It was a 3-page manifesto; with the 1^st page containing the contestant’s name, photograph and achievements; the 2^nd page had a stretched picture of the vote-casting machine, which says that no.3 will be my party, with rest of all the serial numbers left vacant (so the voter won’t even have to look elsewhere); and the 3^rd page says, “Around 25lakh crores of rupees deposited in foreign accounts every year”. No description of how it’ll be tackled or whatsoever. They think the public is some sort of a fool or something? But this is how politics in our country functions. Nothing can be done about it; can it? Perhaps the public is actually foolish; perhaps it’s simply silent. There are no answers to a few questions. Perhaps this is one of them.

lantern.blossom

The Wall of Glass

New Girl in the City

Dear Neetu,

Dear George,

Adieu Manipal :)

The Pursuit

For Grandmom :)

A winter with my little friends

*?!@#$%^&

Of womanhood

Confessions – Part II

The Shield

To Trust

It’s a long way to the top.

My China Review

Between the East & the West

My Encounter with the Red Faced Monkey

Of Life’s Experiences

This one's for you papa :)

Dastaan-e-dil

After a While

To Err

The Kid Who Lived On My Bookshelf

My Call to You

The Communion

Butterfly in the Cocoon

Bonds

Confession

A week B4 exams

To Break the Walls of “Supposed to be”

The Disclaimer Clause

I Hate These Déjà-Vu Vibes!!!

Quotes from my Favorite Author

""...sometimes the shifting of rocks is deep, deep below, and it's powerful and scary down there, but that all we feel on the surface is a slight tremor. Only a slight tremor." "

"And that's the thing about people who mean everything they say. They think everyone else does too."

"And that's the thing about people who mean everything they say. They think everyone else does too."

"You're utless. It's how you were made. And that's not such a bad thing because your saving grace is that you've never lied to yourself about it. Not about that. Nothing wrong with cowardice as long as it comes with prudence. But when a coward stops remembering who he is... God help him."

"You're utless. It's how you were made. And that's not such a bad thing because your saving grace is that you've never lied to yourself about it. Not about that. Nothing wrong with cowardice as long as it comes with prudence. But when a coward stops remembering who he is... God help him."

"How seamless seemed love and then came trouble."

"How seamless seemed love and then came trouble."

"A man who has no conscience, no goodness, does not suffer."

"A man who has no conscience, no goodness, does not suffer."

"There is a way to be good again...A way to end the cycle."

"There is a way to be good again...A way to end the cycle."

"You don't order someone to polish your shoes one day and call them 'sister' the next."

"You don't order someone to polish your shoes one day and call them 'sister' the next."

"Laila remembered Mammy telling Babi once that she had married a man who had no convictions. Mammy didn't understand. She didn't understand that if she looked into a mirror, she would find the one unfailing conviction of his life looking right back at her. "

"Laila remembered Mammy telling Babi once that she had married a man who had no convictions. Mammy didn't understand. She didn't understand that if she looked into a mirror, she would find the one unfailing conviction of his life looking right back at her. "

"Children aren't coloring books. You don't get to fill them with your favorite colors. "

"Children aren't coloring books. You don't get to fill them with your favorite colors. "

""For you, a thousand times over.""

""For you, a thousand times over.""

"the past held only this wisdom: that love was a damaging mistake, and its accomplice, hope, a treacherous illusion"

"the past held only this wisdom: that love was a damaging mistake, and its accomplice, hope, a treacherous illusion"

"'And that, ...is the story of our country, one invasion after another...Macedonians. Saddanians. Arabs. Mongols. Now the Soviets. But we're like those walls up there. Battered, and nothing pretty to look at, but still standing.'"

"'And that, ...is the story of our country, one invasion after another...Macedonians. Saddanians. Arabs. Mongols. Now the Soviets. But we're like those walls up there. Battered, and nothing pretty to look at, but still standing.'"

"And that, I believe, is what true redemption is, Amir jan, when guilt leads to good."

"And that, I believe, is what true redemption is, Amir jan, when guilt leads to good."

"It is now your duty to hone that talent, because a person who wastes his God-given talents is a donkey."

"It is now your duty to hone that talent, because a person who wastes his God-given talents is a donkey."

Life goes on, unmindful of beginning, end, kamyab, nah-kam, crisis or catharsis, moving forward like a slow, dusty caravan of kochis."

Life goes on, unmindful of beginning, end, kamyab, nah-kam, crisis or catharsis, moving forward like a slow, dusty caravan of kochis."

"There was brotherhood between people who had fed from the same breast, a kinship that even time could not break. - Amir"

"There was brotherhood between people who had fed from the same breast, a kinship that even time could not break. - Amir"

"Blood is a powerful thing"

"Blood is a powerful thing"

"Tariq tucked the gun into the waist of his denims. Then he said a thing both lovely and terrible. "For you," he said. "I'd kill with it for you, Laila.""

"Tariq tucked the gun into the waist of his denims. Then he said a thing both lovely and terrible. "For you," he said. "I'd kill with it for you, Laila.""

"I climbed a tree and ate these green, sour apples. My stomach swelled and became hard like a drum, it hurt a lot. Mother said that if I'd just waited for the apples to ripen, I wouldn't have become sick. So now, whenever I really want something, I try to remember what she said about the apples."

"I climbed a tree and ate these green, sour apples. My stomach swelled and became hard like a drum, it hurt a lot. Mother said that if I'd just waited for the apples to ripen, I wouldn't have become sick. So now, whenever I really want something, I try to remember what she said about the apples."

"Behind every trial and sorrow that He makes us shoulder, God has a reason."

"Behind every trial and sorrow that He makes us shoulder, God has a reason."

"A boy who won't stand up for himself becomes a man who can't stand up to anything"

"A boy who won't stand up for himself becomes a man who can't stand up to anything"

"A man's heart is a wretched, wretched thing. It isn't like a mother's womb. It won't bleed. It won't stretch to make room for you."

"A man's heart is a wretched, wretched thing. It isn't like a mother's womb. It won't bleed. It won't stretch to make room for you."

"I will follow you to the ends of the world."

"I will follow you to the ends of the world."

"Boys, Laila came to see, treated friendship the way they treated the sun: its existence undisputed; its radiance best enjoyed, not beheld directly."

"There is a way to be good again...
A way to end the cycle."

"There is a way to be good again...
A way to end the cycle."